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11 / 11 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twentieth race in Brazil are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Just one race to go - Abu Dhabi in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 23rd November.

28 / 10 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the nineteenth race in Mexico are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Only two races to go - next race is Brazil in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 9th November.

22 / 10 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighteenth race in Austin are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Mexico NEXT WEEKEND! Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 26th October.

You can still enter a new team for the final three races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

07 / 10 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventeenth race in Japan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austin in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 19th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

*** Some of the weightings have been tweaked *** for the final four races - check the league page for details.

02 / 10 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixteenth race in Russia are in! (Sorry for the delay - moving house!) Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Japan (Suzuka) THIS WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 5th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

16 / 09 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifteenth race at Singapore are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Russia in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 28th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

02 / 09 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourteenth race at Monza are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Singapore in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 14th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

26 / 08 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the thirteenth race at Spa are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monza NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 31st August.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

29 / 07 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twelfth race in Hungary are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. We're into the summer break now, the next race is Spa in four weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 24th August.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

22 / 07 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eleventh race at Hockenheim are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hungary NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 27th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

08 / 07 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the tenth race at Silverstone are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hockenheim in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 20th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

01 / 07 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the ninth race in Austria are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Silverstone NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 6th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

24 / 06 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighth race at Paul Ricard are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austria NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 29th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

10 / 06 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventh race in Canada are in, including the travesty that is Danny Ric not getting fastest lap. Sigh. Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Paul Ricard in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 22nd June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going. Oh and by the way, half of us are being beaten by my girlfriend. So we might need to up our game a little.

29 / 05 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
Sorry for the delay! The results from the sixth race in Monaco are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Canada in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 8th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

13 / 05 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifth race in Barcelona are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monaco in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 25th May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

29 / 04 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourth race in Azerbaijan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Barcelona in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 11th May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

15 / 04 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third race in China are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Azerbaijan in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 27th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

08 / 04 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second race in Bahrain are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is China NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 13th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going. It's worth doing - if you'd missed Australia and then picked the perfect team for Bahrain, you'd be in the overall lead now! Special congratulations to The Big G, who jumped from plum last to 3rd place, largely due to the inspired choice of Pierre Gasly.

Note the Williams weightings have been increased due to them being shite.

25 / 03 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first race in Australia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Second race is Bahrain in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 6th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first race - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

18 / 03 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The 2018 season is now open for entries! You can change your team as often as you like so you might as well pick a team now while you're thinking about it. You can always read the rules later! You have until midnight GMT on Friday night (23rd) to qualify for the first race in Australia.

26 / 11 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
It's all over! The results from the last race of the season in Abu Dhabi are in! Check the results or see where your team finished and see who won the championship!

That's the lot for 2017, come back in 2018 just before the real season starts and we'll do it all over again!

12 / 11 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the nineteenth and penultimate race in Brazil are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Abu Dhabi in two weeks, which is the final race of the season. Nobody's going to catch Bunch of Wasters in the lead, but it's all to play for underneath. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 24th November.

29 / 10 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighteenth race at Mexico are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Brazil in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 10th November.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

22 / 10 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventeenth race at Austin are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Mexico NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 27th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

08 / 10 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixteenth race at Suzuka are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austin in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 20th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

If you have Carlos Sainz on your team, you'll keep him at Renault. If you have Jolyon Palmer then you'll score for Sainz who replaces him.

01 / 10 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifteenth race at Malaysia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Suzuka NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 6th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

17 / 09 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourteenth race at Singapore are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Malaysia in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 29th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

03 / 09 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the thirteenth race at Monza are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Singapore in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 15th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

30 / 07 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twelfth race at Spa are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monza NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 1st September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

30 / 07 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eleventh race in Hungary are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Spa in four weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 25th August.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

16 / 07 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the tenth race at Silverstone are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hungary in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 28th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

11 / 07 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the ninth race in Austria are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Silverstone THIS WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 14th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

25 / 06 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fantastic eighth race in Azerbaijan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austria in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 7th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

12 / 06 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventh race in Canada are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Azerbaijan in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 23rd June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

30 / 05 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixth race in Monaco are (finally) in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Canada in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 9th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

18 / 05 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
If you want Jenson Button on your team for Monaco, pick Fernando Alonso as JB is his replacement at McLaren for this race.

14 / 05 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifth race in Barcelona are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monaco in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 26th May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

01 / 05 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourth race in Russia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Barcelona in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 12th May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

17 / 04 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third race in Bahrain are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Russia in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 28th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first three races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

09 / 04 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second race in China are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Second race is Bahrain next week. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 14th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first two races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

26 / 03 / 2017
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first race in Australia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Second race is China in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 7th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first race - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

 

 

Short Movie Reviews

This is the budget section - movies that for one reason or another I didn't give the full treatment to. The regular ratings system still stands, though you should probably take less notice of it - if that's possible.

The film certifications, shown in brackets after the movie name, are the UK certificates in all cases.

Click on the link or simply scroll down.

 

Teeth

The Ruins

Superhero Movie

What Happens in Vegas

Street Kings

Be Kind Rewind

Cassandra's Dream

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

Enchanted

Sleuth (2007)

Cougar Club

American Pie Presents: Beta House

The Golden Compass

30 Days of Night

Saw IV

Death at a Funeral

Rush Hour 3

Straightheads / Closure

License to Wed

Surf's Up

Black Snake Moan

The Notorious Bettie Page

The Last Kiss

American Pie 5: The Naked Mile

Little Children

Clerks II

Little Miss Sunshine

Fearless

Driving Lessons

The Ant Bully

My Super Ex-Girlfriend

The Benchwarmers

RV

The Dark

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Yours, Mine and Ours

The Hills Have Eyes

Cheaper By The Dozen 2

In Her Shoes

Havoc

Goal!

Saw 2

The 40 Year Old Virgin

Kicking and Screaming

When Will I Be Loved

The Longest Yard

Monster-in-Law

The Wedding Date

Ice Princess

Dark Water

Duma

Seed of Chucky

Beauty Shop

A Dirty Shame

xXx: The Next Level

House of D

Intermission

The Woodsman

The Life and Death of Peter Sellers

I Heart Huckabees

Robots

Kinsey

Birth

Shall We Dance?

Vera Drake

A Very Long Engagement

Harold and Kumar Get the Munchies

Alien vs Predator

Being Julia

Hotel Rwanda

Dead Man's Shoes

The Magic Roundabout

In Good Company

Spanglish

Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

Garden State

Super-Size Me

Dodgeball

Undercover Brother

Dawn of the Dead

The Chronicles of Riddick

Welcome to the Jungle

The Whole Ten Yards

50 First Dates

Punch-Drunk Love

The Last Samurai

Lost in Translation

Cold Mountain

Big Fish

Sex Lives of the Potato-men

Something's Gotta Give

Torque

Master and Commander - The Far Side of the World

The Ladykillers (2004)

Spider-Man 2

Around the World in 80 Days

 

 

Doomsday (18): Doomsday is written and directed by Neil Marshall, the chap who did Dog Soldiers and The Descent - and it's one of those cult movies that most people who've seen rave about. Personally I was just about hanging onto it until the final reel, when the wheels fell off and it turned into Mad Max in the style of Charlie's Angels - and not in a good way. If it had taken the mickey out of itself, this would've been perfectly acceptable, but it's a little too straight-faced to carry that off. In essence, Scotland has been closed because of a virus/zombie type thing, much like 28 Days Later, then it turns into Escape from New York before going Mad Maxy at the end. If you're feeling particularly tolerant then you might love it, but remember to expect the absurd.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - The star Jess Weixler goes topless, the eponymous teeth are implied but never seen.

 

Meet Dave (PG): Expectation is everything. Meet Dave isn't a very good movie at all, but armed with the expectation that it would be horrible, I ended up quite enjoying it. Eddie Murphy is a man-inside-a-man, an alien leader commanding his troops within the intergalactic spaceship that is Mr Murphy, struggling to fit in with the strange alien inhabitants of planet Earth. Making no attempt to actually make any proper sense, it's clearly aimed at kids, and dim ones at that, but nevertheless I did chortle a few times at the puerile humour. Sometimes crap can be accidentally fun.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - The star Jess Weixler goes topless, the eponymous teeth are implied but never seen.

 

Made of Honor (12A): Not really sure why I watched this one, I could've written the review before seeing it and got it spot on. Philandering Patrick Dempsey is best mates with lovely sassy Michelle Monaghan so she chooses him to be her maid of honour when she gets married. Yes, it's another spoiled wedding for gay men and women with too much chocolate in the house. I'm sure they get a computer to write these.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - The star Jess Weixler goes topless, the eponymous teeth are implied but never seen.

 

Jack and Jill vs the World (no UK certificate, USA PG-13): Sometimes I do these quick reviews because I have a queue of movies to review and I don't have enough time to give them the proper treatment. Sometimes it's because I was late seeing it, so it's not really pertinent any more. However, in the case of Jack and Jill vs the World, it's because I really wasn't giving it my full attention. Two scenes in, you know exactly what's going to happen and that it's not going to be much fun getting there. Taryn Manning has (unapparent) cystic fibrosis and hides it from her new beau, blah blah yawn thud. Only for women who've seen every other romantic movie ever made.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - The star Jess Weixler goes topless, the eponymous teeth are implied but never seen.

 

Son of Rambow (12A): Ah, that's better. Son of Rambow feels very familiar to Danny Boyle's 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - The star Jess Weixler goes topless, the eponymous teeth are implied but never seen.

 

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (15): A straight-to-DVD sequel of Paul Verhoeven's original and, while not much has changed, the sharp Robocop-esque dry satire that made the first movie is strangely stale here. Jolene Blalock (Star Trek) leads the cast list and Casper van Dien returns as the all-American hero, but it's the guns and bugs that steal the show. And you may be pleased to note the inclusion of the gratuitous nudity scene, which we love Paul Verhoeven for. Or maybe that's just me.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - The star Jess Weixler goes topless, the eponymous teeth are implied but never seen.

 

Pathology (18): Wonky-faced Milo Ventimiglia from Heroes gets his first starring role as a pathologist roped in to play murder games with his fellow corpse-cutters. Very gruesome, with some particularly impressive surgical models - you'd swear they're actually cutting Alyssa Milano's naked body open - but with a story that can't match the ick factor. It plays as if a pathologist always wanted to make a movie and won a competition to make it happen. Only worthy of your attention if you're curious to see people playfully chucking internal organs at each other.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - The star Jess Weixler goes topless, the eponymous teeth are implied but never seen.

 

The Babysitters (no UK certificate yet, US cert R): A high school girl finds that if she does her babysitting with "extras" she can make a whole shitload more money and ropes her friends into it. Not as tacky as it sounds, The Babysitters is actually very well made and deserved more exposure than it received. Contains a little nudity and some recreational drug use. Oh, and the whole prostitute thing. stuck y space chimps y donkey punch hellboy 2 y death race y rocknrolla step brothers babylon ad clone wars

Leatherheads (PG):

Teeth (18): Well it's nothing if not original. A young woman gradually comes to realise that she has a second set of teeth, situated up her lady tunnel... a situation that comes to light when they start biting anything that gets poked up there. And yes, we see the gory results rather graphically. While the story is a little uncohesive, you just can't look away as the next victim hoves into view. Taken with a pinch of salt, it's all rather good fun in an ew-I-can't-believe-they-did-that kind of way. Perfect for a video night with a group of mates.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - The star Jess Weixler goes topless, the eponymous teeth are implied but never seen.

 

The Ruins (18): Yet another pretty-people-getting-bumped-off movie from the unending production line. Notable features of this one? None really, just your regular checklist. Characters confined to a small space? Check. Grisly deaths? Check. Infeasibly attractive cast? Check. Mysterious bumping-off mechanism? Check. It does the job adequately, but it's nothing special.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - Laura Ramsey does her first nude scene and I have to say, looks spectacular with her kit off.

 

Superhero Movie (12A): Yes, it's another of those Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie spoofs, and I'm becoming a little tired of them. This Spider-Man mickey-take has its moments, mostly provided by Leslie Nielsen, but I think it's time for something different. Worth a rental if you haven't seen many of the others yet.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5

 

What Happens In Vegas (12A): Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz star in this painfully predictable but still watchable comedy. The duo get married on a drunken whim, circumstances force them together, they hate each other, yadda yadda, you can see where it's going already, can't you? Although formulaic to the extreme, the script is quite sharp and there are enough fun moments to make it worth your while being dragged along by the missus. The best bits are on the trailer though.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Street Kings (15): This one should have been so much better. Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie, Chris Evans in a James Ellroy tale of cop corruption on the streets of LA - but this is no Heat, no Internal Affairs, not even a Copland. Ellroy's stories need a skilful touch to translate to the big screen (like in LA Confidential), director David Ayer (Harsh Times) just doesn't have the experience yet. Read the book first and you're likely to get a lot more out of it, because you'll have been told the story in a much better way first so it won't seem daft when you see it here. Come to it cold and it's a huge disappointment.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5

 

Be Kind Rewind (12A): Comedies don't have to be particularly funny these days - Be Kind Rewind is fun to watch, and that's enough. Jack Black is centre-screen doing his Tenacious D thing, which will turn many a viewer off, but if you like that then the movie survives lifeless supporting performances from Mos Def and Danny Glover to become a rather entertaining quirky story of two desperate video store workers trying to recreate the damaged movie collection by filming their own versions. Directed by Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind's Michel Gondry.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5

 

Cassandra's Dream (12A): The curse of the English movie - Ewan McGregor, Colin Farrell and Tom Wilkinson, directed by Woody Allen and you've STILL never heard of it because it was made for sixpence ha'penny. Actually, I'm guessing it was made for buttons because it looks that way. Granted it's not a masterpiece and London accents are somewhat distracting when they come from the familiar mouths of Scot Ewan McGregor and Irishman Colin Farrell, but it's a compelling story (will they kill a guy because their uncle will go to jail if they don't?) and the London backdrop gives it a homely feel, and there's even some car-spotting to be done for those who enjoy that kind of thing. It feels rather rough around the edges, but it's very watchable and pretty enjoyable. Catch when it comes on TV, because you'll never find it at a cinema.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5

 

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (15): Partly written by Judd Apatow of Superbad and Knocked Up fame, Walk Hard isn't nearly as funny as those two, but it's still not bad. John C Reilly stars as singer Dewey Cox in this lightly disguised mickey-take of the Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line, feeling more like Talladega Nights than an Apatow movie - but then Apatow produced that too, so maybe that's not a coincidence.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 - some boobs, but there's an in-your-face sausage alert in there too.

 

Enchanted (PG): Prince and nearly-princess James Marsden and Amy Adams escape from their cartoon world to real-life downtown New York in a Disney tale that could so easily have been awful. Although Marsden comically overplays his role, it still warms the ol' cockles and raises the odd laugh, mostly by ruthlessly taking the mickey out of the usual Disney sapfests. Timothy Spall and Susan Sarandon join in the fun, as does a CGI chipmunk who does a great line in charades. I really rather enjoyed it.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Sleuth (2007) (15): A remake of the 1972 Laurence Olivier / Michael Caine talkie, this time Caine takes Olivier's role, with Jude Law as the protagonist. Law turns up at Caine's country house to discuss his porkage of Caine's wife ... and then the mind games begin. Kenneth Branagh directs using Harold Pinter's screenplay, so you'd expect quality and you get it, it's just that having seen it I'm left with a somewhat empty feeling. I enjoyed watching the games play out, but in a watching-actors-act kind of way rather than an immersing-myself-in-a-movie kind of way. Sleuth may be of interest to the older viewer, or to people studying the dramatic arts, but I reckon it won't grab your average punter.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 - weird to hear both Law and Caine use the C word.

 

Cougar Club (15): Straight to DVD in the UK, Cougar Club is a low-rent American Pie. It's not very funny, but it does have the teen sex comedy warmth that just about keeps it afloat, and there's a decent smattering of nudity. Cougar Club is, in case you give a toss, a college club for horny guys that targets older women - tasteless and tactless, just as you'd expect from this kind of movie. It's nearly on a par with the straight-to-DVD episodes of the American Pie series, and worth checking out if you like those and have seen them all.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 - a barely acceptable gratuitous boob-count for a movie of this ilk.

 

American Pie Presents: Beta House (18): Talking of the straight-to-DVD American Pie movies, here's another one. Another of the Stiffler clan has a list of tasks to complete before he can join the fraternity, which is itself in danger of being shut down, resulting in an inter-fraternity olympiad to save it - yes, we've heard it all before and it all sounds a bit Animal House with a 21st century sheen of sanitisation applied to it. Still, it's all good fun and, unlike Cougar Club, it's funny too and the nudity level is more than acceptable - if you stop the DVD at a random point you'll probably be no more than five minutes from a tit or two. If they keep following this formula they'll never lose.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 5/5 - about a hundred baps and a little full frontal in this one.

 

The Golden Compass (PG): The Golden Compass suffers terribly by following the excellent Stardust into the cinemas, and it has no chance. It's very Narnia in every respect, down to the dodgy CGI and the sense of boredom towards the end. Daniel Craig, Nicole Kidman, Ian McKellen, Eva Green, Sam Elliott, Kristin Scott Thomas, Christopher Lee, Kathy Bates, Ian McShane, Freddie Highmore, Jack Shepherd, Derek Jacobi - they're all there doing their bit, and they collaborate to make this a reasonable movie, but it never captures the interest like it could have. A bold attempt at an epic kids' fantasy that falls short.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

30 Days of Night (15): Vampires attack a remote Alaskan town while it's in its month of darkness phase. Josh Hartnett and Melissa George, who you may remember as feisty Angel from Home and Away in the 90s, add star quality, but it's still a rather ordinary monster flick. The screenplay is rubbish and the ending is plain silly, not to mention completely unresolved. The vampires look pretty good and are suitably menacing, and there is some tension along the way, but it's largely of the wait-wait-wait-BANG variety that is so massively irritating. This is the last of this year's Hallowe'en horrors and there wasn't a good or scary one among them.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5

 

Saw IV (18): What, another one? This series really has run out of steam. Episode four is EXACTLY the same as the others and equally pointless. I lost interest less than half an hour in and ended up paying very little attention to the rest. The trap setups are interesting for about three seconds each and main bad guy Tobin Bell (Jigsaw) is pretty good (I won't explain how they get around him being dead), but there's nothing else to compliment and I honestly have no idea what was going on at the end. Still, it's doing OK at the box office so I expect there'll be a fifth. Sigh.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - nasty traps, icky gore but no nudity this time.

 

Death at a Funeral (15): The trouble with redoing old and obsolete genres like the British farce is that they've been superseded. Unless they're stupendously good examples of it, it's always going to fall flat. Death at a Funeral is, you've probably guessed, not a stupendously good example. It's all very friendly and charming, in a way that would've been bawdy and risqué in the Carry On era, but it feels far more like a two-part TV serial than a feature film. The largely British cast of Daisy Donovan, Kris Marshall, Matthew MacFadyen, Jane Asher, Peter Egan, Ewen Bremner et al seem to be enjoying themselves far more than I was - I smiled a few times and I was at least interested all the way through, but I can't really recommend it as an evening's entertainment I'm afraid. Wait for it to come on telly.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Rush Hour 3 (12A): I really should give this one the full treatment, but you know what, I can't be arsed. Brett Ratner can't be arsed to give me a good movie, I can't be arsed to give him a full page. I saw this movie two weeks ago and all I can remember about it is that Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan were in it, and that the best part was the outtakes over the end credits. You might be amused by Max von Sydow and Roman Polanski's appearances, you might have the occasional chuckle at Jackie Chan's athleticism and be impressed that he can still do that at 53, but I defy you to enjoy Chris Tucker on any level. If you've seen The Fifth Element you'll know what I mean - he single-handedly ruined that movie. I have to grudgingly acknowledge that some of you will consider this bland and predictable shouty mess a worthy use of your evening, but I strongly encourage you to check out one of Jackie Chan's earlier movies instead - say Police Story - rather than encourage this kind of lazy cash-in. There are so many really good movies in this genre that you have no need to trouble your multiplex with this one.

I rate this film: 1/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - Jackie Chan is always watchable.

 

Straightheads (18) a.k.a. Closure: This one went straight to DVD. I would've thought that having Scully's bare tits in it would've been enough alone to garner a cinema release but no, she debapped in vain. Notwithstanding the really quite impressive organ stops of Gillian Anderson, Straightheads probably does deserve its premature shelfage. It's a revenge movie with rather a lot in common with Outlaw, not least the star Danny Dyer and the distinctly Daily Mail ethos, by which I mean preachy with a pervasive and nauseating arrogance. Scully struggles with the posh accent, I struggled with the leaky plot and the movie suffers from its totally unwarranted 18 certificate. If they'd known it was going to be burdened with that, they could've made it a whole lot juicier.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - for horny X Files fans, it's a must.

 

License to Wed (12A): License to Wed is one of those movies that I recognised as being rather poor, but ended up enjoying nonetheless. Mandy Moore (Say It Isn't So) wants to marry John Krasinski (Jim from the US version of The Office), but first they have to pass reverend Robin Williams' marriage training. Robin Williams does a great job injecting some life into an otherwise very flabby and formulaic script, and the two leads are likeable if not sparkling. It's an amiable affair - not at all believable but warming in a friendly kind of way without ever being any good, a bit like Richard Whiteley on Countdown. Pick this one for a quiet night in.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 - more of a chick flick to be honest.

 

Surf's Up (PG): From the moment the trailer came on, everyone in the cinema knew this one was going to be the poor relation of Happy Feet. A penguin ... SURFING! Hurrah! How novel and completely different that is to a penguin dancing - yawn. I know it's not Sony's fault - they would have been well into production before the polka-ing penguin broke cover - but it still makes it very second hand for us the viewer. The animation is similarly good, the sea looks amazing and the characters are nicely formed, there's also a worthy voice cast in the shape of Shia LeBeouf (rising star of the moment from Transformers and Disturbia), Jeff Bridges, James Woods, Jon Heder and Zooey Deschanel, but it's not enough. It's as fresh as a soggy crust and not nearly funny enough to make up for it. The animation bandwagon may be lucrative but you can't ride an easy tube by buying a flash surfboard.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5 - still fun enough for kids. No need for the PG certificate, U would be fine.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Black Snake Moan (15): I'll never understand movie people. Black Snake Moan had three things going for it that were guaranteed to draw in the punters. (1) Samuel L Jackson, (2) Justin Timberlake, (3) Christina Ricci with her tits out. How could that possibly fail? Because it wasn't marketed and that title certainly isn't going to draw you in if you've never heard of it. Ricci stars as a wayward and promiscuous harlot who finds herself under house arrest by aggressively Christian and self-appointed saviour Samuel L. It's not Jackson's finest hour and it does generate the odd chuckle where it wasn't intended, but Christina Ricci is surprisingly excellent, and the deep southern soundtrack digs up character to give the movie a soul it would otherwise have lacked. Despite the random title and rough edges, this is actually a movie to remember.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - worth the ticket price for multiple looks at Christina Ricci's assets. Or you could just stay at home and see them at the Ministry of Skin.

 

The Notorious Bettie Page (18): The Notorious Bettie Page is a classy movie - the kind of movie that, when they keep skipping between spellings "Bettie" and "Betty", you assume there's a good reason for it, even though they never tell us what it is. The movie tells the true story of Bettie Page, an immensely popular 1950s pin-up, played by Gretchen Mol. She's pretty good, but David Strathairn (Good Night, and Good Luck) and particularly Jared Harris's Leslie Phillips turn are far more memorable. It's an entertaining story, but it never achieves any depth. If you've ever eaten nouvelle cuisine and come out of the restaurant feeling like you haven't had a meal yet, that's what this movie feels like. Enjoyable, but more lightweight and less fulfilling than I was expecting.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 4/5 - significant nudity from Gretchen Mol, some of it full frontal.

 

The Last Kiss (15): Zach Braff's first starring role since the excellent Garden State - it's good, but not as good as that. Movies about tough relationships can often be hard to watch, with the shouting and the throwing and the heartbreaking. Oy veh. There's plenty of that in The Last Kiss, but it's mostly watchable, particularly the poignant substory between Blythe Danner and always-good-value Tom Wilkinson. The screenplay benefits hugely from Paul Haggis's magic touch and most of the main performances are top notch, but somehow it doesn't have that special spark that Garden State and Crash have. That's a lot to live up to though, The Last Kiss definitely stands up on its own and is clearly worth a rental.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 - a little nudity, including Rachel Bilson (from The OC), though she swears blind it was a body double. Doesn't look that way to me.

 

American Pie 5: The Naked Mile (15): The second straight-to-video episode of the hugely successful American Pie franchise, Naked Mile isn't nearly as bad as you'd expect. Sure, it's not a patch on the originals and the unknown cast are a shadow of Seann William Scott / Jason Biggs / Alyson Hannigan etc., but Eugene Levy's still there as the advice-sharing Dad and, most importantly, there's plenty of nudity. So that's all right then. Surprisingly, it's also pretty funny in places.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 4/5 - Enough wobbly bits to keep you warm through the winter and a little traditional gross-out.

 

Little Children (15): A beautifully made story that smacks of Desperate Housewives with class, Little Children stars Kate Winslet as a mother tempted to play away from home with the local "prom king". Alongside is a local convicted kiddie-fiddler, stirring things up and helping the story along. I enjoyed Little Children far more than I expected to, it's a real gem and deserved far more success than it managed. There seem to be a never-ending trickle of really great movies that never see their share of the spotlight - they're devoid of action but are extremely rewarding to watch. Little Children is up there with the best of them.

I rate this film: 5/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5 - for non-action junkies.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 - Kate Winslet's boobs, not that we haven't seen them a hundred times before!

 

Clerks II (15): This one's for Generation X. Two fast food servers chew the fat, talking about sex and not doing a fat lot. Jay and Silent Bob feature heavily, as does a donkey sex show. There's very little to say, it's quite similar in a way to Harold and Kumar and I ended up warming to it, despite it feeling like a very small movie in every way. Don't even think about it if you're not in the target audience, though. If you've ever written to the Daily Mail, this movie is not for you. It's a cult thing.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5 - for the right audience.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 - unless you have a thing for donkeys.

 

Little Miss Sunshine (15): I really like this kind of movie - the unimposing black comedy, clever at times and always touching on difficult subjects. Toni Collette (Muriel's Wedding and In Her Shoes) and Greg Kinnear (The Matador) take their dysfunctional family unit on a road trip to a kiddies' beauty pageant, accompanied by grandpa Alan Arkin and suicidal Steve Carell (The 40 Year Old Virgin), in a rare straight role that does him tremendous credit. As usual, things don't go according to plan, leading to some darkly humorous moments - they're amusing rather than funny - and leaving us guessing whether the ending will be happy or sad. It's very watchable and will keep you interested all the way to the end, without doing anything particularly new or spectacular. It's likely to feature somewhere in the Oscars and is definitely worth seeing if you like dinner party conversation movies.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Fearless (15): Jet Li tries to get serious, but we're not fooled. This is just an excuse for Li to show off in more of Woo-ping Yuen's awesome fight scenes. They're of the laugh-in-glee type of fights rather than attempting seriousness, and they're all the more fun for it. There's still some inexcusably dodgy wire work but it's rare, and on the whole the fights are delightful and a joy to watch. The rest of the movie is laughable in a bad way, with spiritual hokum never looking shallower and some risible translation in the subtitles. Jet Li's very good though - he proved his thespian talent in Unleashed and he's just as endearing here, so let's hope next time he can find a better story with an ending that's not head-in-hands awful.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5 - though if you're not into fights, no more than 1/5.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 5/5 - fantastic scraps.

 

Driving Lessons (15): Rupert Grint takes a sabbatical from being Harry Potter's weird mate to be Julie Walters' weird mate. I was very young when I saw Educating Rita - too young to appreciate it. Since then I've only seen Julie Walters in comedy roles, where the various Victoria Wood scripts inevitably have her shrivelled up and farting. She still does the crone routine here, but when things get serious she transforms and completely owns the screen. Beside her, everyone else is a supporting player, but Laura Linney is very good - she does the uptight British mum bit so well that I forgot she's actually American. A nice touching story rather than a memorable one, it's a very pleasant way to spend an evening.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 - profuse profanity from Julie Walters, but nothing really meriting the 15 tag.

 

The Ant Bully (U): Well, finally I've watched an animation that didn't tickle my testicles. The problem with The Ant Bully is that it's almost identical to 1998's Antz. Nicolas Cage, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Paul Giamatti and Lily Tomlin all contribute voices, but to be honest I only recognised Cage before checking the credits. There's absolutely nothing new in this movie - it's a blatant cash-in. Granted, if you haven't kept up with the recent flood of animations then you'll probably love it, but if you're a cartoon connoisseur you'll have seen it all before, done better. Not bad, just not as good as its rivals.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (12A): Luke Wilson (Owen's brother) stars as the poor sap who dumps superhero Uma Thurman when he finds her a tad kooky. What follows is quite good fun, but far from class-leading comedy. Eddie Izzard has been better, but Anna Faris is surprisingly good. There are no belly laughs, but enough amusing moments to keep us on the same page throughout. Although it could benefit from its tongue being a little further in its cheek, it still manages to come out looking pretty accomplished. Definitely worth a rental.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 - family friendly.

 

The Benchwarmers (12A): How this movie ever got released in the UK I'll never know. Playing a sport we never play (baseball), featuring cameos from sportsmen we've never heard of, within a philosophy of universal sports involvement that just doesn't exist over here, it never stood a chance with this audience. Though its heart is in the right place, its head is off in la-la land, resulting in a strange and uneasy combination of mild gross-out and retchingly trite sanctimony, drilled through with the peculiar idea that even kids who are shite at baseball still want to do it in front of the world. Mind you, we only need to look at Pop Idol and The X Factor to realise that maybe the world works like that after all. Rob "Deuce Bigalow" Schneider stars, with Jon "Napoleon Dynamite" Heder and ubiquitous comedy support Jon Lovitz wisely not taking things at all seriously, but none of them bring any zing to the park, and they don't have the plot, script or direction to carry them.

The Benchwarmers might go down pretty well in the US, but the demographic just doesn't exist on this side of the water. A brief titter at someone being smacked with a flying baseball bat is as good as it's going to get.

I rate this film: 1/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 - a robot says shit once, which probably accounts for the foolishly heavy-handed 12A rating. PG or even U would be fine.

 

RV (PG): A modern day National Lampoon's Mobile Home Vacation, and why on earth would you want that? A limp script and tired plot are lifted enormously by Robin Williams in understated mode - he carries the film almost on his own - but it's not enough to tug the movie above mediocrity. Will Arnett, so excellent in Arrested Development, shows that it's the script that makes that show work - he's one-dimensional and unfunny here, despite playing the role exactly the same. Barry Sonnenfeld directs, the same guy that did The Addams Family, Men In Black and Get Shorty, so it seems a bizarre project for him to get involved with, and it shows none of the class seen in the aforementioned peaches. You may giggle a few times so it's worth a rental for the family, but don't expect any depth or significant quality.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 - totally family friendly.

 

The Dark (15): Maria Bello (A History of Violence, Assault on Precinct 13) and Sean Bean star as parents distraught by their girl's disappearance in a remote coastal region with seemingly magnetic cliffs. Honestly, there are so many cliff-jumpers in The Dark, it should have been called Lemmings. Starting as a fairly effective spooky trail, it dissolves into confusion in the final reel, leaving us to wonder what on earth we're supposed to make of what we just saw. The ending is a little clearer, which helps, but it's still the weird stuff that leaves the lasting memory. OK for spook fans interested in something with a novel slant.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 - Just scary stuff.

 

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (15): One of the most underrated movies of 2005, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang came and went with barely a ripple to show for it. Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer star as a mismatched LA criminal and gay detective respectively who become embroiled in a murderous plot. Sounds awful, but thanks to an excellent script and some fast-paced and intelligent performances from the two leads, together they make a fantastic, fresh and unpredictable movie with a wicked sense of humour. It's as fresh as Crash and very nearly as good, yet no-one's heard of it. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is without a doubt the sleeper hit of 2005 - and it's so cool you can even talk about it at dinner parties. It's already out on DVD, less than a fiver from Amazon, so go and buy it and tell them I sent you.

I rate this film: 5/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 5/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 4/5 - Boobs from Michelle Monaghan, car chases and guns.

 

Yours, Mine and Ours (U): I was so hoping that Failure to Launch was going to be the worst movie I saw this week - but no, this achingly bad tumour of a movie managed to top it. If I say Cheaper By The Dozen-and-a-half, you have a pretty good idea of what this remake of the 1968 Lucille Ball/Henry Fonda movie is all about - except that it's even worse than that. Seriously, this may have been the first movie screenplay written by computer. It's so derivative and nonsensical that it's a huge struggle just to sit there and endure it. Granted, there are people out there who will thoroughly enjoy this, so if you actually enjoyed the Home Alones and the Cheaper By The Dozens of this world, by all means give it a go. The kids may get something out of it, and I suppose if you run a large family then you may chuckle knowingly occasionally, but even these people will shudder at some of the embarrassingly bad child acting, continuity, CGI (if that lighthouse is real then I'm Pamela Anderson) and EVERYTHING. Even the title is shockingly bad. Dennis Quaid, Rene Russo and Scooby Doo director Raja Gosnell should be ashamed of themselves for being involved in such a sham. Cataclysmically awful.

I rate this film: 1/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: -1/5 - it made me want to learn how to change a gearbox so I could feel more like a man.

 

The Hills Have Eyes (18): A remake of the Wes Craven 1977 horror classic, The Hills Have Eyes succeeds with the disturbing schlock but makes no attempt to do anything else. Horror fans will be in their element as the mutants attack the stranded family in the New Mexico outback - the blood and gore is very effectively realised and there are no obvious holes in the plot to get in the way. Definitely worth checking out if you're into this sort of thing.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 4/5 - plenty of bloody violence.

 

Cheaper By The Dozen 2 (PG): A singularly unfunny comedy Steve Martin vehicle, Cheaper By The Dozen 2 is a very unwise sequel that will appeal to almost no-one. Badly acted and written, there's so little to recommend here that it's a wonder it was ever made. Avoid like the plague.

I rate this film: 1/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 1/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

In Her Shoes (12A): Cameron Diaz and Toni Collette play polar opposite sisters in this drama about adult sibling relationships. Probably more for the ladies, but I still enjoyed it thanks to the quality performances from the leads and screen stateswoman Shirley MacLaine and the sensitive, likeable script. One to rent for a quiet evening in.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 - Cameron Diaz sports a skimpy bikini several times.

 

Havoc (R in the US - unrated as yet in the UK): The movie where Anne Hathaway gets her kit off. Havoc went straight to video, which is a shame, because although it's only average, it's better than a lot of the crap around nowadays. Hathaway and Bijou Phillips play rich kids experimenting with life on the dark side out of a sense of boredom. Encounters with drug dealers don't go entirely according to plan and they end up somewhat out of their depth, much like the screenplay really. With nowhere to go and nothing much to say, you could view it as a comment on modern youth or just as an empty movie with a nice style. Worth a viewing on rental, especially if you want to see Anne Hathaway shed her Princess Diaries and Ella Enchanted reputation.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 4/5 - Guns, drugs and boobies. You can get a sneak preview of the latter here (Anne Hathaway) and here (Bijou Phillips).

 

Goal! (12A): Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais, scriptwriters for Porridge among other British TV classics, turn their hands to a football (soccer!) movie, with excellent results. The first part of a planned trilogy, Goal! follows keen amateur footballer Santiago Munez (played by newcomer Kuno Becker) through the ranks of club football onto the premiership. Becker delivers a fine performance, while Anna Friel, Sean Pertwee and Stephen Dillane support admirably. Even the cameos (Shearer, Beckham, Gonzalez and Zidane) aren't as wooden as you would expect and the football scenes are very impressive, looking more real than any past similar movies have managed. The star is the writing though - it's touching in a way you would never expect from a football movie and I'll be making sure I catch the other two - assuming they get made, that is - Goal! doesn't seem to have made much money, which is a shame.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 - nothing but football.

 

Saw 2 (18): A gruesome sequel to last year's surprise hit. Opening with a rather nasty scene-setter, Saw 2 is an excuse for a load of inventive nasty ways for people to get hurt while playing psycho criminal Jigsaw's master game. It's novel enough to deserve a look but it's not as clever as it thinks it is and it's a little wearing to sit through. If you liked Saw or you like Wes Craven crap like Wishmaster then you're likely to enjoy this. Oh yes, and Donnie Wahlberg is the main guy - his New Kids on the Block money must have run out. Funny how we now think of him as Mark Wahlberg's brother nowadays.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 - plenty of "ew" moments.

 

The 40 Year Old Virgin (15): A surprisingly funny belated-coming-of-age movie with Steve Carell, who you may remember as the blurting news-man in Bruce Almighty. Carell is brilliant and well-supported by Friends repeat-guest Paul Rudd and Romany Malco, making a thoroughly entertaining team. The script is fast and funny, relying on the characterisations and superb delivery for most of the laughs. Not one to take your young teens to unless you want a lot of explaining to do, but great fun for the rest of us. Highly recommended.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 - oodles of sexual humour, one brief flash of boob by Kimberly Page.

 

Kicking and Screaming (PG): Another Will Ferrell vehicle, this time with him coaching a kids' soccer team against father Robert Duvall, with real life Bears coach Mike Ditka in support. Ferrell generates a few laughs, but not nearly enough to support the whole movie, which is horribly marred by some atrocious editing, ludicrous soccer moments and one particular kid who slurs his lines and becomes completely unintelligible in the process. One to rent for the kids.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

When Will I Be Loved (15): This movie is known for one thing and one thing only - Neve Campbell gets naked in it. The first and last scenes have Neve taking a shower and, as it turns out, she doesn't look as good as we were expecting. It's no wonder she didn't give it up with Denise Richards in Wild Things. A very unimpressive plot, particularly the ending, spoils some great performances - especially from Fred Weller as a truly obnoxious hustler - and stifles the unusual level of realism. The dialogue appears improvised, the hairdryer doesn't work first time - these details help to make the movie feel real, but it's all for nothing if the story isn't there to back it up. Mike Tyson and Lori Singer show up in peculiar cameos for no apparent reason, they jar a little because they seem irrelevant. Nicely different, but not good enough to recommend. But that's hardly a problem, as nowhere seems to be showing it anyway.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 If you've been waiting for Neve Campbell to peel off, now's your chance.

 

The Longest Yard (12A): Yawn. An American Football movie where an ex-pro footballer (Adam Sandler) sets up a team of cons to play the wardens. You can write the rest yourself. It's mildly amusing from time to time but is nothing more than a lazy rehash of the 1974 original of the same name starring Burt Reynolds; this time Reynolds plays the ageing coach (snooze) with Chris Rock as the wisecracking wimpy sidekick and James Cromwell as the nasty warden. Stop me if you've heard it. Oh, you have? Yeah, me too.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 1/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 Lots of bone-crunching noises and macho posing. Not my cup of tea.

 

Monster-in-Law (12A): Jennifer Lopez is the newly-wed, Jane Fonda is the scary mother-in-law and Michael Vartan is the son and hubby caught between the two. Both actresses try so hard to be something they're not and neither can pull it off, while Vartan just has to smile and be supportive. Not nearly as funny as it thinks it is, and too overblown to be taken seriously, Monster-in-Law is a movie to be seen on a weekday afternoon when you're off sick from work and can't handle anything with any substance.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

To enjoy this movie you should: be ill.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 A women-only zone.

 

The Wedding Date (12A): Another romantic comedy, this time starring Will & Grace's Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney, who you'll probably recognise but be unable to place. Messing hires Mulroney to accompany her to a family wedding in England so she can make her ex jealous. I wasn't expecting anything from this as it sunk without a trace at the box office, so the small moments of humour seemed much funnier than they really were. Still, it's a nice way to spend an hour and a half, and Debra Messing shows a real talent for this kind of role. Mulroney is singularly wooden, but the ladies will enjoy his oft-on-display physique, and the cast is pleasantly spiced up by Brit regulars Peter Egan and Sarah Parish, plus Jack Davenport doing his usual bumbling fool routine, which is fine in Coupling but really doesn't cut it in this company. Not the best of the breed, but good for a rental. Oh, and look out for the "London pub" - see if you can spot the silly mistake (here).

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

To enjoy this movie you should: expect it to be bad

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Debra Messing gets as close to showing anything as she's ever likely to.

 

Ice Princess (U): I shouldn't admit to even watching this - it's a twee follow-your-dreams figure skating tale, and I'm most certainly not amongst the target demographic. Starring Michelle Trachtenberg, with a strong performance from Sex and the City's Kim Cattrall as the determined skating coach, this is far too light and imsy-whimsy for anyone other than young girls, or grown women who fancy switching off with a tub of ice cream for a while. The ending didn't go exactly where it seemed to be leading, which was surprising and refreshing, but on the whole it's just another pyjama party movie. Not bad if you like that sort of thing.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

To enjoy this movie you should be: a young girl

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Dark water (15): Another Japanese cross-over, following The Ring and The Grudge into half-arsed horror history. Jennifer Connelly stars as a single mother, newly separated from wanderingly accented Dougray Scott, who moves into a suspiciously yellow apartment block with her daughter, the spookily talented Ariel Gade. Pete Postlethwaite and John C Reilly help to add weight but it never really gets going. Extremely bottom-heavy, the first half is all scene-setting and there's only one chilling scene in the whole affair. A bizarre ending and no attempt at an explanation serve to sew up one wound that I'd rather not see re-opened. It's not terrible - but it's not terrifying either. Largely pointless.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Seed of Chucky (15): Guns don't kill people, puppets kill people. The fifth in the Child's Play series is actually quite good fun. Jennifer Tilly sends herself up playing herself and the voice of Mrs Chucky amongst plenty of industry jokes and silly puppet-based mutilations. Not really a horror movie, more of a light comedy with bloody bits, it's just a bit of fun. There are plentier of funnier bits of fun around, though.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 Stephanie Chambers has a Psychoey shower scene right at the beginning.

 

Duma (U): The story of one South African boy and his cheetah. The galactically stupid kid drives out into the wilderness to return his feline friend to his natural habitat, encountering many dangerous situations along the way. The wildlife photography is beautiful and the cheetah acts very well (!), but the atmosphere is somewhat ruined by the offensively lame plot. An opportunity missed, but maybe the kids will get something out of it.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Beauty Shop (12A): Queen Latifah stars in this inferior spin-off from Barber Shop 2, also featuring Kevin Bacon (as a Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen-esque hairdresser), Alicia Silverstone, Andie MacDowell and Mena Suvari. Feeling like it's been created by 16-year old girls, Beauty Shop is a very amateur movie indeed, relying solely on the likeability of the black women to make it sail. Sadly, although these women do a fine job of portraying a living salon, the overriding effect is one of "black attitude will deliver us from these evil and stupid whites". It's a dangerous message and isn't one I'd want to give to my kids, but for the Trisha generation I'm sure it will hit the spot.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

A Dirty Shame (18): I guess I must have seen less funny comedies than this, but I really can't think of one. Tracey Ullman, Chris Isaak and Johnny Knoxville all act phenomenally badly in a desperately unfunny movie that is no more than an excuse to use as many sexual euphemisms and metaphors as possible. Maybe it makes more sense if you were brought up in a place like this prudish middle-class Baltimore picket fence town, but for us Brits, Sex Lives of the Potato-Men is the way to go for bad taste sexual humour. A Dirty Shame is a hideous mess.

I rate this film: 0/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 1/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 More dirty talk than you'd normally hear in the movies all year, the odd bit of random nudity.

 

xXx: The Next Level (12A): There was no way xXx2 was going to be anything other than dreadful. Ice Cube takes over from Vin Diesel and looks about as hard as a Cornetto in the microwave, with his perpetual scowl and stiff-leg walk. You wouldn't trust him to open your peanuts, let alone rescue the president. Having said that though, sit back with a few drunken mates and a pizza and you can get some laughs out of the cool-but-silly action scenes (largely obvious CGI), and Samuel L Jackson is always good, even in these daft surroundings. More like Torque than the first xXx.

I rate this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 1/5 (5/5 for teenage boys)

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 4/5 Lots of explosions, fast cars and jiggly cleavage.

 

House of D: Real-life couple David Duchovny and Tea Leoni play mother and son (in different eras) in this tale of 1970s New York. Heart-rending at times, tiresome at others, House of D succeeds as a diversion but doesn't have enough substance to it to get it noticed. It's amusing hearing Duchovny trying to speak French though.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Intermission (18): Colin Farrell as a nasty piece of work in this largely dialogue-based Irish drama. It's the conversations that make the movie and they make it very well indeed. Colm Meaney, Shirley Henderson and Kelly McDonald provide excellent support to the superb script. You have to listen to it rather than letting it wash over you, and you have to appreciate that it's very tongue-in-cheek (much like the dialogue in Lock Stock), if you can accept this and you're over 18 then give it a try.

I rate this film: 5/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5 because most people won't get it, sadly.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Lots of people trying to be macho and failing.

 

The Woodsman (15): Possibly the toughest subject matter imaginable, The Woodsman focuses on a recovering ... I don't even want the word on the site ... whisper it ... P-dofe-aisle. Got it? It's an incredibly sensitive portrayal of a monstrously difficult subject - not easy to watch but worth the effort for the quality performance from Kevin Bacon. My only complaint is that nothing is resolved at the end - it all finishes rather abruptly and with the story no further advanced. Most peculiar.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5 The subject matter will put most people off.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Kyra Sedgwick pops them out.

 

The Life and Death of Peter Sellers (15): Geoffrey Rush brings Peter Sellers to life in this warts-and-all story of the man who brought Inspector Clouseau into our lives. It's spooky in some shots how much Rush looks like Sellers, and Charlize Theron is similarly chameleonic as the second Mrs Sellers, Britt Ekland. Much of the 60s London backdrop is computer-generated and for once it doesn't stick out like a sore thumb. As biopics go, this one's pretty good, with admirable performances all round. It's still just a biopic though.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Charlize Theron as Britt Ekland is worth 1.

 

I Heart Huckabees (15): An extremely bizarre film, billed as an existential comedy and even more bizarrely, stolen by Mark Wahlberg, of all people. Played far into the leftfield, I Heart Huckabees will work if you can dial into its comedy, but unfortunately it's going to be too out there for most viewers. Starring Jason Schwartzman, Dustin Hoffman, Lily Tomlin, Mark Wahlberg, Jude Law, Naomi Watts, the performances are predictably good, with Mark Wahlberg hilarious as a simple man trying to find himself. I saw this with a group of friends who "got" it, and so I really enjoyed it. Had I seen it on my own, I would have been less enamoured.

I rate this film: 5/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5

 

Robots (U): Yet another animated feature, with Ewan McGregor, Robin Williams, Jim Broadbent, Mel Brooks and a load of other stars. Better than the trailer suggests, but not quite up to the vertiginous echelons of Shrek or Finding Nemo, Robots is nevertheless a classy movie with plenty to amuse both adults and children. Well worth a watch.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 5/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 As expected, nothing.

 

Kinsey (15): Liam Neeson becomes sexologist Alfred Kinsey, telling the true story of how sex education started. Not exactly riveting stuff, but moderately entertaining nonetheless. I can't really recommend Kinsey, not that it's a bad film, just that there's nothing particularly special about it. Also stars Laura Linney, Chris O'Donnell and John Lithgow as Kinsey's repressed Dad.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 A quick glance at Laura Linney's boob, a slideshow including a graphic shot of female genitalia and lots of people talking frankly about their sex lives, however depraved or deprived they are. The ladies get an eyeful of everything Peter Sarsgaard has.

 

Birth (15): Nicole Kidman stars in this eerie tale of a kid (Cameron Bright) who claims to be the reincarnation of Kidman's dead husband. Most peculiar and more than a little disturbing, Birth is atmospheric enough to make it watchable on that strength alone, but it's ultimately unsatisfying. Great performances from the two leads.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Only one scene worthy of note, a disturbing moment when the kiddie-husband gets in the bath with Kidman. It's shot demurely but you can't help shuddering at the suggestion.

 

Shall We Dance? (12A): Er no, we won't, if it's all the same to you. Shall We Dance is a run-of-the-mill mid-life crisis movie starring Richard Gere as the twinkle-toed novice and Jennifer Lopez as the expert ballroom dancer who inspires him. It's not horrible, it has a certain warmth and sensitivity, but there's nothing here to make it stand out. Average thoughout.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Adolescent boys will run out screaming.

 

Vera Drake (12A): Imelda Staunton stars as the eponymous back-street abortion provider in 1950s London. The big problem here is that there's only half an hour's worth of story, but Mike Leigh spins it out to two hours with long lingering shots of characters with nothing to say. It's still pretty good, but runs out of ideas long before the inevitable climax.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Abortion is an adult subject.

 

A Very Long Engagement (15): In French, with English subtitles - but don't let that put you off. A Very Long Engagement feels like a fairy-tale in its presentation, with short narrated side pieces and lavish visuals. Despite the odd gruesome moment, it's a pleasure to watch and is well acted, well shot and well worth a viewing. It's a rare treat from beginning to end.

I rate this film: 5/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 Audrey Tautou's arse (allegedly a double) and doey eyes, some brief, almost comically gory moments.

 

Harold and Kumar Get the Munchies (15) - US Title: Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle: A film very much in the vein of "Dude, Where's My Car?", Harold and Kumar will appeal to the same demographic. Silly and funny in equal measure, but still with one foot on the ground, it's a tale of two stoners and their quest for burgers. Worth watching if only for Neil Patrick Harris stealing the show playing himself out on a binge. Great fun if you can find its college-kid level, dreadfully puerile if you can't.

I rate this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 4/5 Portrayal of drug use as socially acceptable, three gratuitous topless bimbos.

 

Alien Vs Predator (15): There was no way that Alien vs Predator was ever going to be anything other than a run-of-the-mill monster flick. How surprising then, that it actually has a plot that isn't complete drivel and that it holds the interest until the very end. It's still daft and some of the effects are a bit dodgy - it's very easy to tell when the monsters change from men-in-costumes to computer graphics and back again - but on the whole it's much better than I expected it to be.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 Lots of killing, nothing over the top, no worse than any of the Alien or Predator series.

 

Being Julia (12A): Annette Bening was (not entirely deservedly in my opinion) Oscar-nominated for this performance as a selfish arrogant theatre star. It's not that she's not believable, it's just a little over-done in places. Being Julia feels more like a TV mini-series than a movie, it would fit right at home being shown on BBC1 at 9pm on a Tuesday. Michael Gambon provides welcome relief as the foul-mouthed (and confusingly, dead) acting mentor but it's not enough. Wait until it comes on TV.

I rate this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Nothing to see here.

 

Hotel Rwanda (12A): Wow. This is a very powerful film telling the true story of a Rwandan hotelier struggling to survive and protect his friends and family amidst the 1994 conflict between the Hutu militia and Tutsi rebels in Rwanda. It's hard to recommend as an evening's viewing, because it's a difficult film to watch and thus you won't enjoy it, but it's indisputably a top-class film, it's extremely well-made and acted and is one of the most effective human stories I can remember seeing. Much better than The Pianist, in my opinion.

I rate this film: 5/5, though on an enjoyment level it has to be 2/5, just because it is a moving true story.

I think the average moviegoer will rate it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Kids'll hate it.

 

Dead Man's Shoes (18): Well that was certainly different. Dead Man's Shoes is a gritty British drama with a dollop of Spinal Tap. British films are always more real than their Hollywood rivals and this helps so much with their watchability. Dead Man's Shoes is so real that you can't look away - unknown actors, dark story, deeply damaged characters - and a genuine unpredictability. It's unpleasant in places, but darkly funny in others and definitely one to see if only for its originality. Catch it where you can, no-one seems to have heard of it.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 Plenty of gritty British swearing, extensive hard drug use and retributive violence.

 

The Magic Roundabout (U): Everyone hates this because it's nothing like the original, but I really rather enjoyed it. Gobsmackingly, Robbie Williams is actually excellent as Dougal, thanks to an imaginative casting masterstroke rather than any voice-over talent. Tom Baker's eccentricity fits baddie "Zeebad" like a glove, Jim Broadbent is perfect for Brian the Snail, while Ian McKellen (Zebedee), Ray Winstone (Sam the soldier), Bill Nighy (Dylan) Joanna Lumley (Ermintrude), Lee Evans (the train) and Kylie Minogue (Florence) all seem to be having fun making up the numbers. Far from a classic, but if you can ignore its departure from the original series, you might just enjoy it. Most of you won't, though, I'm sorry to say ... horses for courses and all that.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Nothing even remotely naughty.

 

In Good Company (PG): Dennis Quaid's new boss Topher Grace is half his age and starts dating his daughter Scarlett Johansson. Surprisingly intelligent and funny, In Good Company had me hooked from start to finish. Great script, nicely presented and appropriate performances and a permeating "nice" feel make this one to take your girlfriend to.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 There's a nice Porsche but it doesn't get used properly.

 

Spanglish (12A): Adam Sandler, but less so. Téa Leoni's demanding anal wife character is the memorable factor in this enjoyable rom-com, with strong support from the little Spanish girl whose name I forget. Crap premise, but good casting, fun scripting and unself-conscious performances make this an enjoyable superficial movie. More for women and non-macho guys.

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Adolescent boys may vomit in this movie. There is, however, a single frame of Téa Leoni's boob, which was probably an accident...

 

Bridget Jones - The Edge of Reason (15): It's a tough old life. Most men want a real woman like Bridget Jones - trouble is, most women like Bridget Jones want a man like Colin Firth or Hugh Grant. And most men like Colin Firth and Hugh Grant want a woman like Liz Hurley. Still, even if life is a bit tricky, at least the movie is good fun. More of the same, but very much a sequel, so although it's as good in every important area as the original, it's not the original, so the novelty has dissipated. You'll slightly prefer the first one of the two that you saw.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Another amusing scrap between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth might raise a titter but that's it. Oh, and they say f**k. But without the stars.

 

Garden State (15): Who'd have thought that the scruffy intern from Scrubs (Zach Braff) would be able to write and direct a movie? Not me, but he sure has, and it's a great one at that. Braff stars with Natalie Portman and together make a great, quiet, subtle movie that you can watch again and again. One of the year's sleeper hits.

I enjoyed this film: 5/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Some recreational drug use and Natalie Portman half-skinny dipping, hidden by the water though.

 

Super-Size Me (12A): Morgan Spurlock's documentary showing him eating a diet of McDonald's for 30 days. The rules are: 3 square meals a day (nothing except what they sell at McDonald's), he has to try each thing on the menu at least once, and if they ask him if he wants to "super-size" - he has to say yes. And he has to eat it all. Surprise, surprise, he ends up dangerously unhealthy and overweight. The result is obvious and predictable (otherwise the film wouldn't have been made) but nevertheless it's an entertaining ride - it's like a slow-burning episode of Jackass. Bit boring for anyone who doesn't care though, it's still a documentary after all.

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Some might be attracted by the grossness.

 

Dodgeball - A True Underdog Story (12A): Another in the Starsky & Hutch/Zoolander/ Anchorman vein, featuring Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Rip Torn and Christine Taylor, previously seen in Zoolander and The Brady Bunch Movie. That's all you need to know, it's just as funny as the aforementioned movies but no funnier. It's a spoof of sports movies, choosing the Dodgeball tournament as its backbone, and has plenty of chuckles to keep the viewer from caring about the weak story.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Some curves in leotards, that's it.

 

Undercover Brother (12): A spoof spy comedy featuring a cast of largely unknown actors, Denise Richards, and that kid from Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris), who rather distressingly is now 31. Undercover Brother is quite amusing, but seems very conscious of its potentially dangerous racial subject matter and so goes to great lengths to take the mick out of black and white culture equally. Worth a watch if you've got nothing better to do, but it doesn't deserve a special trip to the video shop.

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 So PC it hums.

 

Dawn of the Dead (2004) (18): A remake of the 1978 classic zombies-in-a-mall movie, Dawn of the Dead is a surprise hit. The sequence before the opening credits is one of the best horror openings in cinematic history, jumping straight into the action and using special effects stunningly to set the cataclysmic scene. Albeit just a zombie movie, Dawn of the Dead is nonetheless fast paced, humorous and effective. I don't like horror movies one bit, but this one is an exception. Cracking stuff. I only docked it a mark because of the repeated loud-noise-ha-ha-made-you-jump technique, which annoys the crap out of me.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 Tons of blood and spattering zombies, a brief flash of boob during the end credits.

 

The Chronicles of Riddick (15): (I'll try not to say "gravelly" as I'm allergic to cliches) Vin Diesel's driveway voice in Pitch Black was enough to commission a sequel, it seems. Vin, curiously nothing to do with French wine, does make a mighty fine brooder and loomer, but he seemed to have much more of a handle on what was going on than I did. Maybe I was looking the wrong way, but I completely lost the plot several times during Chronicles. It's just possible that I had mistakenly assumed there would be a plot, whereas in reality the director David Twohy had simply forgotten to put one in, but I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt. Still, at least I had the enchanting visuals to gawp at while I wondered how they got Judi Dench on the cast list. I really should have hated Chronicles, as it's a prime example of form over function, but I ended up quite enjoying it - for the wrong reasons though, I suspect.

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 3/5 - add/subtract 1 for every 10 years under/over 30 you are. Don't go below zero though, it'll never be worse than The Passion of the Christ.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 Some fighting and some nice effects.

 

Welcome to the Jungle (15): We got fun and games (but not much else). The Rock (WWF guy from The Scorpion King) teams up with Seann William Scott (Stiffler from American Pie) and becomes today's Van Damme. Christoper Walken is, as usual, a great baddie and the stunt work is suitably thrilling, but you won't find anything vaguely believable or memorable here. Suitable for teenage boys. This movie is known as "The Rundown" outside the UK.

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 5/5 Guns and fighting in an A-Team kind of way.

 

The Whole Ten Yards (12A): The Whole Nine Yards was pretty average, yet somehow a sequel was commissioned. Whoever made that idea stick must have been some kind of hypnotic genius, as there is nothing here to even match the original, let alone surpass it. Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry (Friends), Natasha Henstridge (Species) and Amanda Peet return and fail to inspire in turn. Bruce Willis in a pinnie isn't as funny as it should be, and that seems to be the movie's only joke. Avoid.

I enjoyed this film: 1/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 1/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 At least the original had Amanda Peet's jigglies to take the edge off.

 

50 First Dates (12A): Difficult to say this one out loud - people think you're saying "51st State". Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore team up again in a rather twisted rom-com. Following an accident, Drew Barrymore forgets the past 24 hours' events every night. Complete unadulterated claptrap, but it whiled away 90 minutes quite pleasantly. I would expect women to get more out of this than men.

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5 (women), 2/5 (men)

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Nada.

 

Punch-Drunk Love (15): Adam Sandler again - but a very different kettle of turnips this time. Often described as a black comedy - but there's not much comedy. It's black, oh yes, it's blacker than Michael Jackson in negative - and this is the movie's raison d'être. Things happen without the usual cinematic build-up, which leaves the viewer, who was expecting the usual Adam Schmandler, bemused and uneasy. For me this made the film worth watching - I like quirky films, I like to be surprised. Most of you guys won't though, which is why you've never heard of it. If movies are escapism for you, then STEP AWAY from Punch-Drunk Love. If you like to think - for example if you liked Solaris - then give it a shot. It feels like no other film I've ever seen.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 1/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Zip.

 

The Last Samurai (15): War films. So difficult to be objective when I despise them so much. The Last Samurai at least attempts to do something different with the genre by having Tom Cruise change sides and join the samurai after he's captured by them. Ken Watanabe's performance fits in well as the main samurai dude, but isn't up to other reviewers' opinions, probably because the character is a little thin. The Last Samurai is definitely better than the average war nonsense, but it tries a little too hard to justify its existence for me, it's still a bunch of people killing each other in the names of goodie and baddie. Billy Connolly's appearance helps put things in perspective, but unfortunately his role is not extensive enough to stop the self-righteous banner-waving. Most people will lap it up though.

I enjoyed this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 Swords plus guns plus war equals plenty of blood, plus the odd decapitation.

 

Lost in Translation (15): A good film, but very slow. I can't quite understand how Bill Murray got Oscar-nominated as he puts in exactly the same performance he gives in every film. If you're in a quiet reflective mood then this is the one.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Scarlett Johansson in her skimpies right at the beginning.

 

Cold Mountain (15): A scenic US civil war tale with Jude Law, Renee Zellweger and Nicole Kidman. Renee deserved her supporting actress oscar, she steals every scene she's in. The film itself is a bleak, harsh tale about love and loss so expect to come out in a serious mood, however you went in. It's a touch on the pretentious side but thoroughly worth seeing. Should have been half an hour shorter though.

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 Some war violence and you get to see most of Nicole, albeit quickly.

 

Big Fish (PG): A thoroughly entertaining fantasy yarn from Tim Burton - it follows a father's life from the son's perspective, through the tales that the father has told the son over the years. Typically stylish and with nicely appropriate performances from all concerned. Mood for this one: chirpy and ready to suspend disbelief for entertainment's sake. A return to form for Tim Burton after the unashamed cash-in Planet of the Apes.

I enjoyed this film: 5/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Nowt.

 

Sex Lives of the Potatomen (18): Think gutter-level and then go down three steps. We laughed almost solidly the whole way through this, but it's most definitely not for everyone. The humour is so puerile you almost feel ashamed to laugh, but it's British puerile and we do that very well. Scenes of Johnny Vegas at a gang-bang and jokes about fish paste and strawberry jam (I'll leave it to your imagination) - it's coarse plebeian humour that Americans can only aspire to. Don't blame me if it's not to your taste though ;o)

I enjoyed this film: 5/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 1/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 5/5 All the swearing and very rude jokes make little Johnny a very happy chappy.

 

Something's Gotta Give (12A): A rom-com with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton. It feels very similar to Jacko's earlier "As Good As It Gets", but that's no bad thing. Jack puts in another of his trademark "I'm so mean I'm nice" performances and it all bobs along exactly as you would expect because, well because you've seen 20 of these already. It's quite a good example of one and is a pleasant way to spend two hours, but this time next year you'll be thinking, "which one was that again?", and the answer will be, "you remember, the other one that should have finished half an hour before it did."

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Diane Keaton is surprised in the nud for about one frame, but she's knocking on a bit.

 

Torque (15): If you've seen the trailer, you know what to expect. Terrible plot, terrible script, terrible acting (a particularly "he's-behind-you" performance from Ice Cube stands out for its direness) but sit back and watch the motorbikes and it's actually quite fun. The effects are obviously CGI, some look like they're ripped straight out of Burnout, but switch the brain off and revel in its empty teenage kicks and you might just enjoy yourself. I did.

I enjoyed this film: 3/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 4/5 Motorbikes at 200mph and gratuitous scanty cladding, pubescent boys will lap it up. Good (c)harmless fun.

 

Master and Commander (12A): Russell Crowe tries to break stereotype and ends up being Maximus on a boat. Visually this film is pretty much perfect - the effects look so real that they don't look like effects - but the unconvincing story was a serious hindrance to my enjoyment. Had I gone in with an expectation of a children's film about life on the seas, that happened to have old battleships blowing the shit out of each other with severed limbs flying hither and thither, I might have enjoyed it more! The acting is a bit luvvy and it all feels a touch masonic, but that doesn't detract from what is a shallow but enjoyable swashbuckling journey.

I enjoyed this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 Some cannon-fire with resultant bodily mutilation, very graphic.

 

The Ladykillers (15): The Coen brothers never fail to entertain. Friends of mine who are fans of the original refuse to watch this version, but I think they're missing out. It's not the Coens' finest, but it has enough of their originality, skill and character to make it well worth a visit. Tom Hanks had better watch out though, because under the direction of these boys, he comes across merely as competent as his co-stars, despite his salary amounting to (I'm guessing) several times what all the others pulled in combined. Mind you, who ever went to see a film because it starred Irma P Hall? Watch this and you may change your answer.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Zero.

Read the full review of The Ladykillers here.

 

Spider-Man 2 (12A): It's all good clean fun, isn't it? More of the same from Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst, just with Alfred Molina (Species) instead of Willem Dafoe as the baddie. The story develops, but it's all a bit comic booky (surprise!), the fun comes in sitting back and watching the super-hero and villain at work. And trying to remember where I'd seen the newspaper editor before (bizarrely, it was in The Ladykillers!)

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

To enjoy this film: you should have enjoyed the last one.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5 Kirsten Dunst poking a little plus lots of fun special effects.

 

Around the World in 80 Days (PG): I would never have guessed. Take a shallow comedy with not nearly enough steam to make a movie, add a Jackie Chan chop-socky character with not nearly enough action to make a movie - and curiously it works. After Shanghai Noon and Shanghai Knights, both of which were pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, the impossibly skilful Jackie Chan finds another breath left in his career in Around the World in 80 Days. No-one is particularly good (with the eternal exception of Jackie's choreography), but surprisingly it comes together to make a rather enjoyable jaunt around the globe. It's all wholeheartedly and unashamedly preposterous, but it's charming and good fun - like listening to your grandad regaling a tall tale while sitting on his knee.

I enjoyed this film: 4/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 4/5

To enjoy this film you should: Enjoy tall stories.

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 0/5 Not so much as an f-word.