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26 / 02 / 2023
Fantasy F1:
We've had 13 seasons of Forwardcharm Fantasy F1 ... and I think, finally, it's time to call it a day. I just don't have the energy for this kind of malarkey anymore. Thank you all for playing, it's been great fun. Enjoy your year!

20 / 11 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twenty-second and final race in Abu Dhabi are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. That's it for this year, see you back here next year to find out if I could be arsed doing it all again.

13 / 11 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twenty-first and penultimate race in Brazil are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. The FINAL race is in Abu Dhabi NEXT WEEKEND.

30 / 10 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twentienth race in Mexico are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Brazil in two weeks.

23 / 10 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the nineteenth race at Austin are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Mexico NEXT WEEKEND.

09 / 10 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighteenth race at Suzuka are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austin in 2 weeks.

02 / 10 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventeenth race at Singapore are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Suzuka, NEXT WEEKEND.

I've slightly changed the weightings of Alfa/Alpine/Haas to reflect their current performance.

11 / 09 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixteenth race at Monza are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Singapore in 3 weeks.

04 / 09 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifteenth race at Zandvoort are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monza, NEXT WEEKEND.

28 / 08 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourteenth race at Spa are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Zandvoort, NEXT WEEKEND.

31 / 07 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the thirteenth race in Hungary are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Spa in about a month, at the end of August.

24 / 07 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twelfth race in France are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hungary NEXT WEEKEND.

10 / 07 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eleventh race in Austria are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is France in 2 weeks.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

03 / 07 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the tenth race at Silverstone are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austria NEXT WEEKEND.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

20 / 06 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the ninth race in Canada are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Silverstone in 2 weeks.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

12 / 06 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighth race in Azerbaijan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Canada NEXT WEEKEND.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

I've slightly increased the weightings of the Mercedes pair as their woes seem to be continuing.

29 / 05 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventh race in Monaco are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Azerbaijan in 2 weeks.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

22 / 05 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixth race in Barcelona are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monaco NEXT WEEKEND.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

10 / 05 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifth race in Miami are (finally) in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Barcelona in 2 weeks.

24 / 04 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourth race at Imola are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Miami in 2 weeks.

I've slightly reduced the weightings of Norris / McLaren because they're doing particularly well at the moment.

10 / 04 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third race in Melbourne are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Imola in 2 weeks.

27 / 03 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second race in Saudi Arabia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Melbourne in 2 weeks.

I decided not to change the weightings again for now. Let's see how the next couple of races go.

20 / 03 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first race in Bahrain are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Saudi Arabia NEXT WEEKEND.

I have made some quick changes to the weightings - Haas seem much stronger than I expected and McLaren/Aston much weaker. I might tweak them again after Saudi.

13 / 03 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The 2022 season is now open for entries! You can change your team as often as you like so you might as well pick a team now while you're thinking about it. You can always read the rules later! You have until midnight GMT on the night of Friday 18th March to qualify for the first race in Bahrain.

12 / 12 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the final race in Abu Dhabi are in, and we have our 2021 winner! Check the results or see where your team finished.

05 / 12 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the penultimate race in Saudi Arabia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. The next and final race is Abu Dhabi NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 10th December.

21 / 11 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twentieth race in Qatar are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Saudi Arabia in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 3rd December.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

14 / 11 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the nineteenth race in Brazil are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Qatar NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 19th November.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

07 / 11 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighteenth race in Mexico are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Brazil NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 12th November.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

24 / 10 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventeenth race in Austin are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Mexico in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 5th November.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

26 / 09 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixteenth race in Russia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austin in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 22nd October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

26 / 09 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifteenth race in Russia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Turkey in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 8th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

12 / 09 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourteenth race at Monza are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Russia in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 24th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

05 / 09 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the thirteenth race at Zandvoort are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monza NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 10th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

29 / 08 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
That was a weird one. The results from the twelfth "race" at Spa are in, and somebody got a MASSIVE score... possibly the highest we've ever seen in one week. Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Zandvoort NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 3rd September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

01 / 08 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
Well that was exciting, wasn't it? The results from the eleventh race at Hungary are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. We are in the summer break now, the next race is Spa in four weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 27th August.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

18 / 07 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the tenth race at Silverstone are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hungary in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 30th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

15 / 07 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
Bit of a problem with these new sprint races. Qualifying is now on the Friday. I don't really want to mess with the rules mid-season so we'll carry on having teams locked on Friday night, which means you can already see the qualifying results. But the scores are based on the GRID, not the qualifying, so effectively it's the result of Saturday's sprint race. We'll run with that for now and see how it goes. So cutoff for edits for Silverstone is still midnight GMT on the night of Friday 16th July.

04 / 07 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the ninth race at the Red Bull Ring are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Silverstone in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 16th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

27 / 06 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighth race at the Red Bull Ring are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is the second of the Austria double-header NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 2nd July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

20 / 06 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventh race at Paul Ricard are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is the first of an Austria double-header NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 25th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

06 / 06 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixth race at Azerbaijan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Paul Ricard in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 18th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

23 / 05 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifth race at Monaco are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. **NOTE** Leclerc still gets points for his grid position even though he didn't start the race, because the rules say we go with the grid on f1.com. Next race is Azerbaijan in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 4th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

09 / 05 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourth race at Barcelona are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monaco in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 21st May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

02 / 05 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third race at Portimao are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Barcelona NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 7th May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first three races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

18 / 04 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second race at Imola are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Portimao in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 30th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first two races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

The weightings for Alpine have increased because they've been a bit shit.

28 / 03 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first race in Bahrain are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Second race is Imola in 3 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 16th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first race - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

21 / 03 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The 2021 season is now open for entries! You can change your team as often as you like so you might as well pick a team now while you're thinking about it. You can always read the rules later! You have until midnight GMT on the night of Friday 26th March to qualify for the first race in Bahrain.

 

 

The Cave

The Cave

Cast: Cole Hauser, Lena Headey, Eddie Cibrian, Morris Chestnut, Piper Perabo.

Directed by Bruce Hunt.

Story: Stupid spelunkers vs pointy monsters.

Running Time: 1hr 37 minutes.

Certificate 12A.

 

Death, taxes and crappy mainstream Hollywood thrillers - the unavoidable constants of life. I guess I would rather watch The Cave again than die or be taxed, but I had to think about it.

Some people who can't act, yesterday. The Cave is a very long tunnel under the ocean, discovered by a set of cave diving experts who subsequently get attacked by nasty sharp cave thingies. Sounds familiar ... oh yes, it's almost exactly the same as that other cave-diving turd, The Descent. In fact, you may as well just go over there and read that one, as it's so similar that it'll be hard to remember which bits happened in which film when they come round on DVD. The Cave is more water-based and more Hollywoody, but the level of sewage and the overall I-don't-care-what-happens feel are identical. In fact I may not care enough to finish this review, because I've had all the creativity sapped from my veins like a kid trying to get the last bit of juice from his ice pop. You know you're in the presence of mediocrity when you simply can't summon up the enthusiasm to even listen to what the dozy-arse potholers are saying, knowing that it'll be trite and irrelevant and will waste some more precious moments of your life that could be used wondering what to have for dinner.

Lena Headey, backlit in an underground cave. Let's try and find some positives. Some of the in-cave shots are quite impressive, and Lena Headey (The Parole Officer) is good. The mid-point of the film, as the pace begins to pick up, isn't entirely dreadful and contains a little suspense. It doesn't last long though, as events swiftly swing from daft to absurd and the monsters turn into muppets in pantomime, thus fitting in with the rest of the cardboard all-American hero cast. The special effects are rather poor by today's standards, the script is cheesier than a packet of Wotsits and the plot is dumb and heavy-handed, with a sudden and utterly pathetic ending. It's not even gory enough for the blood brigade, as the appropriate 12A rating suggests. Good job I'm looking for positives or I might have been overly critical. To be fair, I barely prefer The Cave over The Descent, the scales being tipped by the suspense factor. The Cave tells you there's a monster round the corner, but doesn't then blast you with a loud noise to make you jump. This alone makes it the winner of this particular minor league tussle, but that's like saying a Hyundai Accent is quicker than a Daewoo Matiz. They're both as slow as Paris Hilton's retarded cousin, so it really doesn't matter.

The Cave needs its entrance sealed up so that poor unsuspecting Blockbuster customers don't stumble across it by accident. It's not the worst of its breed, but as it makes no attempt to challenge for adequacy I can't recommend it to anyone except the unlucky few who just have to see all the "scary" movies for completeness' sake.

I enjoyed this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 2/5

To enjoy this film you should: enjoy tawdry brain-off thriller killers.

 

The Cave is on general release in the UK now.