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Latest News

14 / 04 / 2019
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third race in China are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Azerbaijan in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 26th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the races so far - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

31 / 03 / 2019
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second race in Bahrain are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is China in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 12th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first two races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

17 / 03 / 2019
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first race in Australia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Second race is Bahrain in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 29th March.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first race - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

I've reduced the weightings for Alfa Romeo because they were stronger than I expected.

09 / 03 / 2019
Fantasy F1:
The 2019 season is now open for entries! You can change your team as often as you like so you might as well pick a team now while you're thinking about it. You can always read the rules later! You have until midnight GMT on Friday night (15th) to qualify for the first race in Australia.

25 / 11 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the final race in Abu Dhabi are in, and we have our winners! Check the results or see where your team finished.

We'll be back for a new season shortly before the real championship starts, in March 2019.

11 / 11 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twentieth race in Brazil are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Just one race to go - Abu Dhabi in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 23rd November.

28 / 10 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the nineteenth race in Mexico are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Only two races to go - next race is Brazil in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 9th November.

22 / 10 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighteenth race in Austin are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Mexico NEXT WEEKEND! Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 26th October.

You can still enter a new team for the final three races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

07 / 10 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventeenth race in Japan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austin in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 19th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

*** Some of the weightings have been tweaked *** for the final four races - check the league page for details.

02 / 10 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixteenth race in Russia are in! (Sorry for the delay - moving house!) Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Japan (Suzuka) THIS WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 5th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

16 / 09 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifteenth race at Singapore are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Russia in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 28th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

02 / 09 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourteenth race at Monza are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Singapore in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 14th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

26 / 08 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the thirteenth race at Spa are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monza NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 31st August.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

29 / 07 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twelfth race in Hungary are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. We're into the summer break now, the next race is Spa in four weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 24th August.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

22 / 07 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eleventh race at Hockenheim are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hungary NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 27th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

08 / 07 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the tenth race at Silverstone are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hockenheim in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 20th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

01 / 07 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the ninth race in Austria are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Silverstone NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 6th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

24 / 06 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighth race at Paul Ricard are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austria NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 29th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

10 / 06 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventh race in Canada are in, including the travesty that is Danny Ric not getting fastest lap. Sigh. Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Paul Ricard in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 22nd June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going. Oh and by the way, half of us are being beaten by my girlfriend. So we might need to up our game a little.

29 / 05 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
Sorry for the delay! The results from the sixth race in Monaco are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Canada in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 8th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

13 / 05 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifth race in Barcelona are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monaco in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 25th May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

29 / 04 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourth race in Azerbaijan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Barcelona in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 11th May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

15 / 04 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third race in China are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Azerbaijan in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 27th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

08 / 04 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second race in Bahrain are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is China NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 13th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going. It's worth doing - if you'd missed Australia and then picked the perfect team for Bahrain, you'd be in the overall lead now! Special congratulations to The Big G, who jumped from plum last to 3rd place, largely due to the inspired choice of Pierre Gasly.

Note the Williams weightings have been increased due to them being shite.

25 / 03 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first race in Australia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Second race is Bahrain in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 6th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first race - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

18 / 03 / 2018
Fantasy F1:
The 2018 season is now open for entries! You can change your team as often as you like so you might as well pick a team now while you're thinking about it. You can always read the rules later! You have until midnight GMT on Friday night (23rd) to qualify for the first race in Australia.

 

 

Apocalypto

Apocalypto

Cast: Native American unknowns.

Directed by Mel "sick fuck" Gibson.

Story: Two tribes go to war, with subtitles.

Running Time: 2hrs 18 minutes.

UK Certificate 18.

 

Apocalypto is Mel Gibson's eagerly awaited - or dreaded in my case - directorial follow-up to the abysmally nauseating Passion of the Christ, and although it's leagues better than that cancerous spleen of a movie, it's still pretty awful.

Native Americans use forehead punctuation instead of facial expressions. Mel Gibson really should go back to acting. He was good at that. In the director's chair, however, he seems obsessed with torture and suffering, making his films seriously unpleasant to watch. The majority of Apocalypto is a third-rate war movie, disguised as a story about tribal humanity. Basically it's a tribute to pain, with lots of people doing nasty things to each other. One tribe is good (all of them) and the other is bad (again, all of them, just like ze Chermans in countless war propaganda pukefests). In terms of entertainment, I'd rather watch Anne Widdecombe treat her bunions than watch that kind of thing, especially when Gibson insists on driving the violence home with such a sick voyeuristic thrust that it makes the viewer seriously doubt his mental stability. I wouldn't let him look after my kids. And I don't even have any. Then, just at the point when the bloodletting seems to be drawing to a close and the movie should be ending, it switches pace and becomes a chase movie. Oh goody, so that's another 40 minutes to sit through then. Oh happy day.

Drown or make a sequel?  I think we all know the answer to that. It's as if movie-writing has gone back in time by twenty years. If you're anything like me, you'll be shouting at the screen (at least in your head), "pick up the weapon! Hide you twat! Don't just stand there like a cocking lemon!" Yes, it's one of those. There's barely enough thought in the screenplay to make a Daily Mail column inch, let alone a full-length movie. And if, like me, you baulk when heroes escape by virtue of ludicrous coincidences, you'll practically vomit at Apocalypto. One of them in particular, has to go down as one of the all time stupidest plot devices ever to be committed to film (it's to do with the sun, you'll know it when you see it - though you won't believe they seriously expect us to swallow it).

Never let Mayans set up their own goalposts. The actors are all unknowns and, to be fair, they do a fine job. The sense of a living, sprawling jungle is reasonably effective and there isn't as much confusion between the characters as I would've expected. The fact that there isn't a single word of English spoken - they're all speaking Yucatec so it's subtitled - doesn't help with keeping track of things, but as they're all talking bollocks it doesn't really make much difference. The real-life Mayans are apparently up in arms about it (I'm sure Gibson stirred them up on purpose) because they object to being portrayed as savages, which is odd, because the impression I got was that they were all rather westernised in the movie. Their lifestyle just didn't feel raw and primitive enough to be convincing as the ancient jungle-dwellers they're supposed to be.

Apocalypto is thoroughly unpleasant to watch. Even the name is rubbish, it sounds like a superhero's arch-nemesis. Yet, thanks to the wonderfully weird variety of the general public, it is again garnering good ratings and reviews from other quarters, so there is a chance that you, gentle reader, may actually like it. Nevertheless, I can't bear to give it more than two, because it's shite.

I enjoyed this film: 1/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 2/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 - some of the natives have their baps out, National Geographic style.

To enjoy this film you should be: Mel Gibson's blind auntie.

 

Apocalypto was released in the UK on 5th January.

 

Your comments

The comments printed here are not necessarily the views of Forwardcharm!

 

Oh dear, Gibson has made another movie, and has spent too long in the outback with no hat or sun cream and hence his brain has been twisted even further. As an action hero with others writing the script he's fine but before directing he should read the odd history book and stop using horror films as his intellectual base.

Apocalypto is about the Mayan civilisation and the surrounding forest dwellers and all were shown of this race is their thirst for bloodletting, whilst I'm sure they had this we are not shown anything else of their civilisation.

It all starts with a hunt of a tapir by the peaceful villagers living on the outskirts of the crumbling Mayan empire. It's all happy camping until the evil Mayans attack and the villagers are caught and marched off to the city to be sacrificed. Thankfully a eclipse saves our hero and he escapes and rushes back to free his wife from a watery grave, end of story.

There is nothing in this film except blood and lots of it, do yourselves a favour, give it a miss!!

Mike G